Kim Wilbanks

What Did I Forget?

I began this blogging journey on August 14, 2014.  My two children had graduated from college the year before; my daughter with her undergraduate degree and my son with his master’s degree. They were established in their new hometowns and getting started in their careers. My nest was truly empty so I decided to write about my experiences as an empty nest mom in this new phase of my life. It was a way of working through some emotions and sharing some thoughts and lessons I learned along the way; I thought other moms might be able to relate.

I wrote about things like adjusting to my new role as an empty nest mom and all that entailed — missing my kids, struggling with my identity, letting go of some traditions, and adding new ones. I wrote about their weddings and the whole idea of saying goodbye to my “babies” and welcoming the new number one in their lives. I wrote about how travel, holidays, and simple everyday life were different in the empty nest.

However, one aspect of the empty nest caught me off guard — my aging parents.

As my children got older and moved out on their own, my head knew that my parents, too, were getting older, but my heart didn’t want to accept it. I guess in my busyness, the slight changes in my parents over time slipped by me. Of course, they were also busy with their own active lives. Now, I’m in the most difficult phase of the empty nest so far: adult children who live far away and no mom or dad. This is definitely going to require some adjusting. 

When Did They Get So Old?

My dad had always been an old soul and my husband and I talked about how it seemed like one day he just decided he was an old man far too young. I first noticed it on two family trips in 2009 and 2010. Our family went on a cruise in 2009 — my parents (both age 74), my brother and his family, and my family. My dad didn’t feel up to leaving the ship for a couple of the shore excursions. The following year, my parents, my husband, my daughter, and I spent a couple of weeks in London visiting my son who was interning for the summer. We did a lot of walking and a lot of riding the tube. Dad was already moving slowly, shuffling as he walked. It was always a bit stressful getting on and off the crowded subway.

In all fairness, my father did have many health issues. He had had heart surgery the year I was expecting my firstborn. He also developed macular degeneration so he could not see well. These things along with a diagnosis of lymphoma slowed him down.

While my parents were the same age, they definitely did not act the same age. My mother remained much more active than my father. When he could no longer drive due to his failing eyesight, she became his chauffeur. In all honesty, she always was the driver of the marriage. I think that their respective outlooks on life made the age gap between them get wider and wider.

I didn’t see my mom as old until 2020. While she had battled cancer off and on since 1992, she never seemed old to me until then. Whatever health issues she faced, she faced head-on with determination and always seemed to bounce right back. I had seen it happen so many times. And besides that, her mother lived to be 98 years old. I was sure she would do the same.

A Noticeable Shift

Something changed in 2020. I think that the pandemic had much to do with the change. Their main entertainment and source of joy was spending time with friends and that was greatly reduced. There was much isolation. They both had health issues that made them especially threatened by COVID so that was always in the back of their minds. It was a very stressful time for me because I was so afraid of them getting COVID and possibly dying from it. They both took the vaccinations and managed to avoid the dreaded diagnosis for a little over two years.

Last year, the day before Mother’s Day, they both found out they had COVID. My dad ended up in the hospital for about three weeks and then came home in the care of hospice. He passed away two weeks later.  At the same time, my mother had the symptoms of a very bad cold for about a week but seemed okay after that. But even so, I could tell she was weaker. The disease took a toll on her body which was already worn and failing from a relentless battle with cancer.

So, in a little over a year’s time, I said goodbye to both of my parents. I knew it would happen, that it was inevitable but it always seemed like it would be “one day” and that “one day” was a long way off. We still had much to do, places to visit, and things to talk about. It’s such a disconcerting feeling like they’re just on one of the many trips they used to take. 

Looking Back, Looking Forward

I miss my parents terribly but I am not filled with regret. I consider myself quite blessed to have lived just around the corner from them for the past thirty years. I saw them several times a week. We ate dinner together at least once a week. We were able to say the important things that needed to be said before each of them passed.

What I miss the most is just the simple chats with them. I miss texting them the cute pictures of my grandson, their first great-grandson, or pictures of a beautiful sunset at the beach or sunrise in the mountains. I wish I had written down more of my dad’s stories about when his family spent summers on Anna Maria Island or his time in the Coast Guard. If I could go back and change anything it would be to be more present and interested, especially with my dad. I would focus more on the parental aging side of the empty nest. Life is such a balancing act, isn’t it?

How about you? Are you parentless? If you are, do you have any advice for me? If you aren’t, may I gently remind you that you will be one day? Please spend the time, have the conversations, and stick around for the second cup of coffee. You’ll be glad you did.