Kim Wilbanks

The Unexpected Strangeness Of Grief

Grief is a strange thing. My mom died last summer so you would think I would be grieving her most. But it’s my dad who died the summer before who has been on my mind. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s a delayed reaction. After his death, I may have been so concerned about my mother that I pushed the feelings of grief for his death aside. Now they are resurfacing.

Of course, it could be that it was just his birthday.

Many things spark a remembrance of our loved ones who have passed on; a holiday, a birthday, or visiting a favorite place. While we continue celebrating holidays, birthdays, and everyday life; we can’t help but feel the void that person left.

My Dad

My father was one of the sweetest, kindest men I’ve known. He was creative and sensitive. I don’t remember hearing him raise his voice to me and I’m sure he probably felt like it at times. (Now, my mom is a different story). He loved the mountains, the beach, and dessert. Hmmm, that sounds familiar. 

A few weeks ago, I drove by our local hospital, which made me think of my dad. He spent about three weeks in the hospital before he came home on hospice care so one of my memories is of him in the hospital. It isn’t a happy memory.

I was talking to a friend about how I wished I had visited him more when he was in the hospital, and how I feel like I neglected him, and failed him. I was really beating up on myself. She gently reminded me that we all do the best we can in the circumstances we face with the information we’re given. Her wise counsel helped.

The Things We Wish For

After all, how many of us who have lost a loved one wished for

• one more phone call
• one more conversation
• one more chance to say “I love you”
• one more holiday together
• one more vacation together
• one more birthday to celebrate
• one more dinner together
• one more symphony to attend
• one more sunset to enjoy
• one more book to discuss

Lessons On Grief

The hospice both of my parents used gave us literature on grief. I have received phone calls and letters checking on me and my family. I have access to a grief counselor I can talk to if I need to. Some dear cousins also gave me a devotional book on grief. All of these things are very helpful in describing the grieving process and validating the myriad of emotions you go through when you are grieving. 

The one thing I have noticed the most in this process is the heightened empathy I now feel when a friend or acquaintance has experienced a loss. I recall having friends who lost their parents and feeling sad for them. Now that I have experienced the loss of both parents, I can understand more the profoundness of their loss. There is that feeling of “Oh, now I understand” and silently acknowledging the depth of their pain. 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

We are all going to experience losing people we love. We need to appreciate them while they are here, do our best in the circumstances we face, and not beat ourselves up if we fall short. We also need to stand alongside those facing loss and let them know we care. It has meant the world to me.

How about you? If you’re an empty nester who has lost a parent, can you relate? Do you have any words of advice for me? I’d love to hear.